When Narcissism Comes to Church: Book Review and Commentary
by Yolande Michelle
I’m sure by now you’ve read all the headlines:
“The Rise and Fall of Carl Lentz, the Celebrity Pastor of Hillsong Church”
“The Crisis of Christian Celebrity”
Ravi Zacharias’s Ministry Investigates Claims of Sexual Misconduct at Spas
Celebrity Pastors. Sex Scandals in the Church. Narcissism in the Pulpit.
In a year where we’ve had to confront just about everything, let’s not miss or dismiss this moment that is happening in the Church. When churches and leaders are rocked by sex scandals, the focus is often on the “moral failures” of the leaders, and “cancel culture” ensues. This moment, unfortunately, is not just about one leader’s transgressions or narcissistic behavior. Just like it would be easy to dismiss racist acts as simply individualistic behaviors without addressing the systems that uphold and embolden racist ideas and actions, it would be just as easy to dismiss or “cancel” individual church leaders without addressing the narcissistic systems that rely on their charisma, gifts, and influence to sell books, albums, and conferences. Or, the people who cover up their bad behavior or ostracize those who speak up.
That is what led me to pick up this book, “When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse” by Chuck DeGroat. DeGroat is a professor of pastoral care and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland, Michigan. He’s also a licensed therapist, spiritual director, and pastor.
First, let’s start off by defining narcissism and narcissistic behavior:
According to DeGroat, “we’re all susceptible to narcissistic behavior. There are times when we all feel superior. We lay in bed at night thinking we deserve more. We compare and compete. These are general traits that might be shared by someone who is narcissistic. But narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is something far more serious, characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Those who are diagnosably (sic) narcissistic may be talented, charming, even inspiring, but they lack the capacity for self-awareness and self-evaluation, shunning humility for defensive self-protection.”
So while none of us are “ immune to grandiosity, exploitation, manipulation, absence of empathy, and evasion of our true selves,” there seems to be a higher prevalence of narcissism in the church. In the book, DeGroat cites research showing the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder is 7.7 percent in men and 4.8 percent in women but “instances of narcissism among pastors are much more common.”
There are many reasons for that, and DeGroat cites countless examples based on his 20+ years of counseling pastors and church leaders. And, in those examples, I saw similar experiences and encounters that I’ve had with various church leaders and friends over the years. I even saw examples of the person I could become if left unchecked. That’s what makes this one of the most difficult books I’ve ever read but also one of the most important. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to every pastor, leader, church congregant, and staff member.
Because, here’s the thing, maybe, along the way, you’ve gotten the message that your church needs these “celebrity pastors” to be successful or to draw in more people or to win souls for Christ. And, their narcissistic behavior is just a small price to pay for the impact of their ministry. After all, “the numbers don’t lie” and/or “look at the fruit” are common statements about church growth and prosperity.
But the fruit is rotten if it’s rooted in oppression and manipulation. We can’t keep putting profits and platforms above people and call that serving Jesus or Kingdom culture. After listening to countless stories over the last few years from people who have been abused by these church systems, and, at the same time, processing my own church hurt, grief, and trauma, it’s time to say enough is enough and do our part to uproot these narcissistic leaders and systems that are harmful to the body of Christ.
Well, you might be thinking, “what about grace?” Don’t these men (and women) deserve grace? As I’ve learned the hard way, love cannot exist without accountability and truth-telling. Without those two things, love is replaced with fear and shame. We also can’t misappropriate grace. As the author says, “Grace never whitewashes abuse. Grace exposes the abuser, not to shame him but for the sake of truth and healing for all.”
That’s the goal we should all strive for - for the healing of all, including the “fallen” pastor - and we are not without hope. I love that is book is written from that place of hope and not cynicism, as a reminder that none of us are beyond the reach of Jesus’s love, forgiveness, and compassion.
To those who have stopped attending church or who find themselves in these pages, I pray that this will help you on your healing journey and point you toward healthy selves, churches, and systems.
For additional reading, I recommend this article by Rich Villodas: The Celebrity Pastor Problem Is Every Church's Struggle.
Yolande is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Wit + Grace Magazine. She lives in Brooklyn, N.Y.
