What to Know (and Do) In Your Thirties

by Yolande Morris

When I was about 25, I read an article by one of my favorite writers, Shauna Niequist, What To Know When You’re 25(ish), that changed my perspective on a lot of things. Now, over a decade later, I hope that my experiences as a thirty-something will help you in the same way.  

In your thirties, you’ll hopefully become more self-aware and use your “voice” in new ways. You’re now a full-fledged adult and able to make decisions about where you want to work, who you want to marry, and where to go to church. At this point in your life, you will likely have a “tribe” or a group of people who know you and love you deeply. These are the people who want the best for you, who will keep you up all night in group chats, travel to exotic places with you, and cry with you when you’re grieving. You may have even found a life partner – someone who you can’t imagine life without – and a professional calling. Here’s what you should know about all of these things:

Career

This is the time when odd jobs give way to a meaningful career or calling so, don’t be afraid to start over. Ten years ago, I embarked on the journey of a lifetime as a Global Health Fellow in Rwanda. At the time, I was a sales rep who also blogged occasionally. Writing and blogging was my way of processing my thoughts and feelings about life and I did it enthusiastically but I never dreamed that I could make a career out of it. I thought that my career path had to look like everyone else’s, so I applied to business school even though I knew in my heart that I had no interest in attending. It wasn’t until a few months later when I heard another Sales colleague talk about her experiences as a fellow that I knew that I had to apply as well. That led me to a Communications fellowship in Kigali, Rwanda that changed my career trajectory.

This leads me to another lesson learned – don’t discount what you bring to the table by separating your personal passions and hobbies from your professional experiences. Starting a personal podcast last year, in the midst of the pandemic, helped lead me to my current role leading enterprise multimedia content in the same way that blogging and launching a magazine for young adults at my church prepared me to work with the Access Project in Rwanda and found my own magazine – Wit + Grace Magazine. Learning to connect my personal passions with my professional pursuits has been a game-changer for my career. The biggest lesson here is that you learn by doing and if someone won’t give you an opportunity, create one for yourself.

Relationships

Now is the time to know your worth and value outside or inside of a relationship. Maybe you’ve never been single or maybe you’re perpetually single, either way, none of these things determine your worth. They don’t even determine your level of contentment, peace, or happiness because these are gifts that you cultivate daily through practice and spending time with God. I wish I had learned this lesson sooner.

At thirty-something, I have lived long enough to see friends who were high school sweethearts get married and divorced and watch others find love for the first time in their forties. Getting married young doesn't guarantee success or longevity and waiting until you’re older and more sure of yourself doesn’t make you undesirable. Trust God’s timing. Become a whole person and choose someone who loves you unconditionally. Life is too short (or too long) to settle for anything less and there’s nothing worse that wishing you had waited.

Therapy

Therapy is a gift that pays dividends in all of your relationships so don’t worry so much about the cost and focus instead on the value of knowing yourself more intimately. My only regret with therapy is that I didn’t go sooner but I’m glad that I made the decision to seek out a therapist in my thirties. And, I mean a licensed therapist, not just a Christian counselor, pastor, or a friend who gives great advice. A good therapist will help you develop a deeper understanding and awareness of your issues. Now is the best time to learn about your triggers and how your childhood trauma affects you in every area of your life.

If you’re always angry, pay attention to that. If you’re always giving to others and never have time for yourself or your own needs, pay attention to that, too. You have every right to draw boundaries, practice self-care, release toxic emotions and speak up for yourself.

Church

The kind of church experience that you need in your twenties may be radically different than what you need in your thirties. Ten years ago, I loved big crowds and a thriving young adult ministry was the main thing that I looked for in a church community. I thought of ministry as serving in a church and spent many days and nights serving in various capacities at my church. Now, I know better so I do better. Especially now, in the midst of a pandemic, I’ve learned that church is more than a building, serving others is a heart posture, and that I can meet God anywhere and serve in ministry at work, church, or at home. I’ve also learned to cultivate a personal relationship with God that includes daily prayer and meditation so that I don’t show up hungry and “looking for a word” from a pastor on Sunday.

Also, pastors are not celebrities and your church is not your identity. Choose a church that feeds your soul, not your ego. Also, place appropriate boundaries on your time and capacity. Your pastor or church leader isn’t the voice of God and you should never feel coerced into doing something you don’t want to do. Learn to discern between the two and hold people accountable for how they treat all people – not just the ones with a certain status in the church.

This is just a short reflection on life in my thirties. What lessons have you learned in your thirties? Leave a comment below to share your experiences.